Warning: This is the red band version of a blog post.
For any of those surfing the web without mommy or daddy’s permission, we apologize in advance for any unintentional scarring or future crude behavior it may incite.
Executioner Oogie Boogie is the mascot for the NorthEast Executioners. He joined the team in 2013 during the inception of the Executioners, but the device with his image did not make an appearance until November, 2014 through the concept art owned by The Knights Hall.
In 2015, Oogie Boogie was brought to life in his new mascot form thanks to the artwork of Peter Bregman.
Known only as, "The Executioner", Oogie Boogie's name did not become public, until this blog post.
All thoughts and opinions expressed by Oogie Boogie are his and not necessarily the same as the editors of “The Blog”.
First of all, forget all those romantic notions you’ve been whispering to yourself in mommy’s basement. Fighting abroad isn’t gonna be “Girls Gone Wild” with subtitles. You are going to be up against people that take armored combat fighting as a serious “life skill”. They train, they’re fit and their image of fat is an American gymnast with anorexia. You’ve been training to get in shape for this, right? And by training, I don't mean with a shaky weight from a fucking informercial. I mean training like a beast!
Well good... keep at it. You’re going to need it.
The only break you should get is the week pre-flight. Use that time for armor prep and packing.
And, don't forget to keep eating like the very best little-armored-psychopath that you can be.
Stay away from bad food, sweets and carbs! That shit will make you lethargic!
For some of us, reenactment is just the extra whip cream topping from a pressurized can. It's sweet, but you didn't sign on for dress-up. You want to fight for gold in the mother-fucking-ass-kicking sport of armored combat! ...Well, get over it and start putting your best 15th century party pants on, because in Europe, you can’t get hit without swallowing the cream first.
To compound this problem, you're going to meet people who only see you as a medieval teletubby on a watch list, walking in a pair of LARPy elf boots from your daddy's private foot locker. Their respect for your garb, historical knowledge and medieval ancestry wouldn't fit on a freckle of my happy sack.
So before you walk onto their enchanted forest, channel your inner Boy Scout and "be prepared". You need the right gear, the right soft kit and the right costume. Keep the modern shit next to your inflatable doll in your hotel room and fuck duct tape. Yeah, that’s right, I said fuck duct tape. Put that shit back in the closet with your vibrating Yoda and focus on how you're going to field-repair your armor without it. Because like it or not, duct tape is banned for 2016.
For safety tips let’s start with something that's near and dear to all guys and gals… Your head…
No, your other head…
As far as I know, they don’t make head transplants. So why the fuck wouldn’t make sure that your helmet stays on? I hate to dash your visions of rainbows and flying monkeys Toto, but you’re not in Kansas anymore. Your opponents will not always play fair. If they can pop-your-top, they will. And where does that leave you? Rolling around in the dirt trying to keep your head from turning into a fucking kabob. Fix your padding. Tighten your straps. Do whatever necessary and secure that shit! DO NOT allow your helmet to be pulled off!
While we’re on the subject of rolling around and eating dirt, let’s bring up, “Dying Defensively”. If you don’t know what dying defensively is, let’s discover together what it isn’t… Go outside, lay down in a parking lot and have your closest bromance buddy roll over you with his truck. And then have him back-the-fuck-up and do it again. Yeah. That’s about what it’s like to have two thousand pounds of meat and steel fall all over your prone body. Learn to Die Defensively. Tuck and Roll. Protect your future of dick kicking revenge and sexy sexy time.
If you bought that ten dollar helmet for your ten dollar head, then you’ve probably already lost the ability to do math. But just incase you were a pioneer and fortified your head from skull crushing, you have the option of doing some “Dude Potential” ratios…
Before you walk onto that field, know how many opponents you're facing. As your wingmen pair off, have a grasp of how many bad guys are left. The remaining is the “Dude Potential” that is potentially eyeing your six. And they’re not there to plan hot showers, take long walks or hold hands. They’re fixing to take a shot straight up Main Street. So don’t let the "out-of-sight" be "out-of-mind". Protect your walnuts and get your ass to rail.
Alright, that’s it for now. Thanks for playing, but Daddy needs some alone time.
Your friendly neighborhood Executioner,